Potter Watch 2

Image Credit: Steve A., Goodyear, AZ The author's comments: This one was really hard to write; I almost thought that I had run out of material. On this episode of Potter Watch we’d like to announce that Voldemort is dead, Harry Potter has triumphed, and he’ll marry Ginny and have three kids. So everything is fine right? Wrong! Voldemort is back people! Just try and figure out how he pulled that one off. Not to mention Quirrel is alive and running a flower shop with his pet werewolf over on Penny Lane. So stop by and buy some pansies. He’d love to see you. Anyway, on the topic of Voldemort, he is alive, people. Don’t doubt it. In fact Fred saw him pass by just this morning (Yes, Fred is also alive). *Muttering* And as Lupin and Tonks have just informed me (Yes, they’re also alive) Voldemort, who has been hiding with the mole king for months, has just released his debut album. This is the first track, titled Killer: “I never opened up Cause people were so annoying So then I met Quirrel And I gained a friend I never had a friend before Cause I always just killed Anybody who tried To get me to open up Oops I’m a killer Killer So Quirrel was my friend And I gained a body Then Bellatrix made me blame him For killing the spare Diggory! But I missed him so So I came back After Potter killed me Cause I can’t die Cause there’s a piece of me left Stuck in Quirrel’s heart Cause we’re buddies I’m a killer Killer But Quirrel is my friend And I’m happy as a squirrel Squirrel" Well folks, that was er… I see a great career in Voldemort’s future. In other news we turn to Draco Malfoy who was a jerk, then he was just plain mean, then he was a bad guy, then he was a lukewarm okay guy, but now he’s a really, really nice guy who volunteers at charity centers and (Oh my Rowling) has started his own fashion clothing line called Slytherin Pride, and it appears to be doing very well. In only the first day of sales, over 700 billion galleons were made. Anyways, enough with Draco, *fangirls boo* Anger is in the air, I see. Well, too bad because it’s on with the news. In popular fiction, the super awesome cool manga Bleach has released new chapters and here comes the SPOILER folks! Ichigo is really (Drum roll please)……………………………………………… a girl! *screams of outrage* Sorry, sorry, just joking folks, that was a lie… Or was it? *sounds of refuse being thrown* Anyway, I’m really not going to tell you what happens because even I don’t know. Bleach is like a cooler, completely different Lost or something. Or Inuyasha. It just keeps going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going. You just have no clue how or when it’s going to end. But I just know that it will keep going because, I mean, have you even SEEN the last chapter? It’s rife with cliffhangers and boyish attitude. Now on the topic of Potter Pals, guys you’re brilliant but Wizard Swears should not be rated PG 13 for boyish attitude. Every eleven year old should learn boyish attitude. I mean, Fred and George had boyish attitude at age 3, but then again, they are a special case. Keep creating Potter Pals, we’re all watching (and if you aren’t, go do so). In other, other news the Dursley’s barely survived an encounter with a Dementor and Delores Jane Umbridge has married the troll from the first book and we have invited moaning Myrtle to come on Potter Watch because now that she’s a famous movie star we can’t ignore her anymore. Hello Myrtle! Myrtle- Hi guys. George- Your glasses are still ugly I see. Lupin- Don’t say that! Fred- But they are! Myrtle- *sob, sob* Zefron- Don’t make my girlfriend cry! Myrtle- Oh, honey- Fred and George- *gag* Get a room, freaks. Okay folks, due to inappropriate conduct we’ve permanently barred Zefron and Myrtle from our studio- *cheering* - and since no one regrets that, next time we’ll have a quality guest… Oh, get out! Jesus H Christ! We’ve got to go, people! GIANT CRABS are storming our hide out and we’ve received word that crabs and chipmunks had attacked everywhere in the country simultaneously (disregarding the time difference) Later-! *static* Okay, people *whisper* we’ve successfully escaped the crabmunk army and are now in hiding underground. The mole king is quite hospitable, you know. Harry Potter and the Order saved us from the bad guys before but Harry is on his honeymoon now and the Order is trapped underground with us so who will save us from the crabmunks? Oh? Someone at this very moment is blasting the crabs into bite-sized breaded pastry puffs and roasting the chipmunks over an open fire. I’m sure they’ll be ready by suppertime. And the door of our prison is being OPENED! Holy ********* GEZZLE ********* PETEY *********** MICKY MOUSE *********!!!! It’s Voldemort! We thought he’d gone into retirement! We thought-! Nooooooooooo! Fred! Lupin! Tonks! Ummmmmmmm… Whoever You Were! Oh my Rowling! VOldemort is dead again! Harry did that super wand thingy! Okay *grave voice* a great, odd, and extremely unexpected calamity has befallen us! Let us have a moment of silence for the fallen………..*crunch*………………*slurp*……………..*dip*..... ………*smack*…… Thank you folks, that was good. And we have a caller on the felly tone here- Caller- Hello, Potter Watch PW- Hello, can you tell us your name? Caller, Um, no Pw- Did you have a question? Caller- Yes, if your manager told you to save a bunch of people, then kill those people, then get killed by your nemisis, then come back to life because it would help your publicity, what would you do? PW- Um, not do it. Caller- Why not? PW- It involves too much killing. Caller- Oh, I see. Ummm… PW- Yes? Caller- It’s just, that’s troubling. PW- Why? Caller- I already did it. PW- Any other questions? Caller- Yes. Do you think Quirrel will marry me? PW- Sure, bye. Caller- Wai- *beeeeeeeeep* Now that that somewhat disturbing call is over I don’t think we’ll be taking anymore and end the show now. After an extremely strange, rather odd, dangerous, dramatic, and inappropriately off-topic episode of Potter Watch we will end with this- *CRASH* Oh my Rowling! It’s Voldemort again! What does he want? Voldemort- I just wanted to announce that Quirrel and I are getting married! *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*


“Whipped!” we used to shout, mocking him, all those times he couldn’t join on bar nights. When he could, she’d always call him home early. Those phone calls cracked us up. We made women’s voices, and passionately screamed his name while he shushed us. “Hanged,” police told us one day. David Derey wrote this story.

JO WITHERS: Time I Wish I Could Recycle

Moments wasted in anger: 55 hours arguing over finances, 6 months “discussing” our exes, 8 weeks agreeing to disagree, 18 frosty Sunday breakfasts after you came in late, 3 weeks not speaking over small things, 1 year, 7 months detesting your illness. Moments missing you: 24 hours, 7 days, always. Jo Withers needs to remember … Continue reading JO WITHERS: Time I Wish I Could Recycle →

SG: Mild

She’d always been the good girl, the dutiful daughter, even-tempered wife and loving, supportive mother. A woman with endless reservoirs of patience and good intentions, which made her popular with those far from home. She’d folded her passion away in a place no one would ever look. Until that day. SG has a vivid imagination … Continue reading SG: Mild →

BILL COX: Aesop, We Miss You!

In the jungle, a Jaguar spotted a frog. He was ready to pounce when the frog said “I’m a poisonous frog. Eat me and we both die!” Then a bulldozer crashed through the undergrowth, killing them both. The moral? In the twenty-first century, fables ain’t what they used to be! Bill Lives in Aberdeen, Scotland. … Continue reading BILL COX: Aesop, We Miss You! →

RAN WALKER: Behind His Back

Shortly after Greg woke to discover his vertebrae had permanently fused with his wife’s while they’d slept, he became curious if she had been complaining to her friends about him behind his back. When she awoke screaming, desperate to pull away from him, he smiled, realizing it didn’t matter anymore. Ran Walker is burrowing himself … Continue reading RAN WALKER: Behind His Back →