The World According To Loony Tunes

The author's comments: What you learn from watching Roadrunner cartoons with your younger siblings. They just don't make 'em like they used to... :) A sampling of a few college courses in the Loony Tunes universe: Economics: 1. Acme is the only manufacturing company in the world. 2. The law of supply and demand: if someone demands an Acme product, it will be instantaneously supplied. 3. And… that’s pretty much it. Psychology: 1. A villain never gives up. This would appear to be the product of short-term memory problems, or else they would learn from their mistakes. 2. The mind’s computing skills run on a time delay system of at least 2 seconds. This results in frequent double-takes. 3. Abruptly switching sides in an argument will always result in a villain’s destruction. (Person A: “Duck season!” Person B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Duck season!” B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Rabbit season!” B: “Duck season!”) English: 1. Snappy comebacks are natural and common. 2. Everything is taken literally. There are no idioms. 3. Only a basic reading level is necessary for survival- important words to know include TNT, DANGER- KEEP OUT, and FREE CARROTS. 4. If you don’t know how to read, you aren’t reading this, and that’s probably why you keep getting blown up/flattened/smashed/exploded. Health: 1. Blinking is noisy. 2. Immortality is universal. Luck is not. 3. You assume the shape of everything you swallow. Technology: 1. Any dynamite, gunpowder, grenade, TNT, gasoline, nitroglycerin, or other combustible material will always eventually explode, ignite, or spontaneously combust. There are no duds. 2. If you find yourself in an enclosed, dark space, you are in (A) a tunnel with a train approaching, (B) a cannon. Exception: if you light a match to see, you are in a dynamite storage room. 3. Homemade catapults are very unreliable. 4. Everything will backfire if you’re the bad guy. Physics: 1. For every action, there is a greater and opposite reaction. Therefore, a cannonball will move three feet and the cannon ends up in Beijing. 2. Any piece of something will automatically act as a whole: a disconnected section of railway track will carry a train, a painting of a road will produce a car, or a Burmese tiger trap will come with a Burmese tiger. 3. The heaviest matter in the universe is that belonging to an anvil. 4. The equation for speed is BG2F= T, where BG represents the bad guy, 2F represents an excessive rate of movement, and T represents toast. 5. Exception to gravity: Occasionally, a piece of a whole that is intended to fall (such as a sawn-off tree branch, a cliff ledge you break off, or a wooden circle you saw out) will hang in midair while the surrounding items (the tree, the cliff, the stage) will drop away. This only applies, however, when the hero is standing on the small section. 6. All rules and/or laws are subject to change without notice. 7. Gravity does not apply until after you realize you are subject to it.



AMELIA JINDI: Ravenous

I ate it. All of it. It was terrible. My taste receptors burned with acid and salt. Still, my digestive system accepted it, converting the mass consumed into precious needed energy. My next meal was twice as big, mostly blue and green, much more delicious-looking. Third rock from the sun. AJ Joseph gardens while waiting … Continue reading AMELIA JINDI: Ravenous →

NT FRANKLIN: Waiting

He loved her all his life. He waited, growing up knowing she was out there, even before he met and married her. The sun settled behind the hills every day, but today had special meaning. He would be facing tomorrow alone for the first time. Now, she waited for him. NT Franklin writes cozy mystery … Continue reading NT FRANKLIN: Waiting →

PATRICK MC LOUGHLIN: Cowboy Builders

The architects studied the plans for the umpteenth time. There was something missing, but what was it? Gabriel turned the drawings upside down and then Michael turned them sideways. “This won’t work. It will fall apart,” they both agreed. “Just get on with it,” sighed God. “It’s not that important.” Patrick Mc Loughlin is an … Continue reading PATRICK MC LOUGHLIN: Cowboy Builders →

SARA JACOBELLI: Saturday Nights at the Tropicana

We’d ride uphill past the tavern in Poppy’s ancient Cadillac. I pictured a tuxedo-clad Ricky Ricardo crooning love songs to Lucy, twirling on the dance floor, backed up by a big band. I’d wave to the hollow-eyed scratching junkies slouched against the wall. They’d wave back, baffled by the attention. Sara Jacobelli lives in New … Continue reading SARA JACOBELLI: Saturday Nights at the Tropicana →

AUTUMN LALA: Bloody Blanchett

Something wasn’t right. Detective Tift examined his suspect. Newlywed Scott Blanchett scratched the dried blood flaking his wrists, sobbing all the while. This case was clear-cut. They had enough evidence. “Why don’t you just admit it?” Tift asked. A pause. A sniffle. “I can’t admit to what I can’t remember.” Autumn Lala lives in Ohio, … Continue reading AUTUMN LALA: Bloody Blanchett →