The World According To Loony Tunes

The author's comments: What you learn from watching Roadrunner cartoons with your younger siblings. They just don't make 'em like they used to... :) A sampling of a few college courses in the Loony Tunes universe: Economics: 1. Acme is the only manufacturing company in the world. 2. The law of supply and demand: if someone demands an Acme product, it will be instantaneously supplied. 3. And… that’s pretty much it. Psychology: 1. A villain never gives up. This would appear to be the product of short-term memory problems, or else they would learn from their mistakes. 2. The mind’s computing skills run on a time delay system of at least 2 seconds. This results in frequent double-takes. 3. Abruptly switching sides in an argument will always result in a villain’s destruction. (Person A: “Duck season!” Person B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Duck season!” B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Rabbit season!” B: “Duck season!”) English: 1. Snappy comebacks are natural and common. 2. Everything is taken literally. There are no idioms. 3. Only a basic reading level is necessary for survival- important words to know include TNT, DANGER- KEEP OUT, and FREE CARROTS. 4. If you don’t know how to read, you aren’t reading this, and that’s probably why you keep getting blown up/flattened/smashed/exploded. Health: 1. Blinking is noisy. 2. Immortality is universal. Luck is not. 3. You assume the shape of everything you swallow. Technology: 1. Any dynamite, gunpowder, grenade, TNT, gasoline, nitroglycerin, or other combustible material will always eventually explode, ignite, or spontaneously combust. There are no duds. 2. If you find yourself in an enclosed, dark space, you are in (A) a tunnel with a train approaching, (B) a cannon. Exception: if you light a match to see, you are in a dynamite storage room. 3. Homemade catapults are very unreliable. 4. Everything will backfire if you’re the bad guy. Physics: 1. For every action, there is a greater and opposite reaction. Therefore, a cannonball will move three feet and the cannon ends up in Beijing. 2. Any piece of something will automatically act as a whole: a disconnected section of railway track will carry a train, a painting of a road will produce a car, or a Burmese tiger trap will come with a Burmese tiger. 3. The heaviest matter in the universe is that belonging to an anvil. 4. The equation for speed is BG2F= T, where BG represents the bad guy, 2F represents an excessive rate of movement, and T represents toast. 5. Exception to gravity: Occasionally, a piece of a whole that is intended to fall (such as a sawn-off tree branch, a cliff ledge you break off, or a wooden circle you saw out) will hang in midair while the surrounding items (the tree, the cliff, the stage) will drop away. This only applies, however, when the hero is standing on the small section. 6. All rules and/or laws are subject to change without notice. 7. Gravity does not apply until after you realize you are subject to it.



RAVEN CORINN CARLUK: Incandescent

She reads quietly in the corner, sublimely beautiful. Serene. Her soul surrounds her, highlighting every motion, drawing me like a moth to a flame. I’m not worried that I’ll burn, only that she’ll never notice my tiny spark against her brightness. Smiling, she looks up from her book. “Hi, there.” Raven Corinn Carluk writes dark … Continue reading RAVEN CORINN CARLUK: Incandescent →

RAN WALKER: How to Train a Beast

The first time the beast came to the village was by accident. He had simply lost his way. However, once he learned the townspeople were willing to feed him one of their own each year, gradually incorporating more festivities and rituals into his visits, the beast vowed to keep returning. Ran Walker is the award-winning … Continue reading RAN WALKER: How to Train a Beast →

TOM O’BRIEN: SPF

We lie around the pool, melting, burning, toasting, marinating. Nobody speaks, except for one woman berating her husband for not using sunscreen. Later the waiter tells us they’ve been coming to this same hotel for twenty years. Well, twenty-three if you count the years since he died of skin cancer. Tom O’Brien is an Irishman … Continue reading TOM O’BRIEN: SPF →

MIR-YASHAR SEYEDBAGHERI: Evening

Evening. I lie in bed, absorbing the hum of the fan. Shadows spill through, lavender and pink cheer bathing me. For this moment, I put aside father’s lectures, bad son, too artistic, not living in the real world. Darkness deepens. For a moment, I can almost forget. Almost. Close enough. Mir-Yashar Seyedbagheri is a graduate … Continue reading MIR-YASHAR SEYEDBAGHERI: Evening →

LISA ALLETSON: Discordant

A man wrote a song and died. Trembling, the song tried to sing herself. Each day she practised, flexing melodic limbs, strengthening pale notes, until she came to understand discordant beauty. That day, her song spilled into rivers and comet trails, spread throughout galaxies. The universe leaned in to listen. Lisa Alletson is an emerging … Continue reading LISA ALLETSON: Discordant →