The World According To Loony Tunes

The author's comments: What you learn from watching Roadrunner cartoons with your younger siblings. They just don't make 'em like they used to... :) A sampling of a few college courses in the Loony Tunes universe: Economics: 1. Acme is the only manufacturing company in the world. 2. The law of supply and demand: if someone demands an Acme product, it will be instantaneously supplied. 3. And… that’s pretty much it. Psychology: 1. A villain never gives up. This would appear to be the product of short-term memory problems, or else they would learn from their mistakes. 2. The mind’s computing skills run on a time delay system of at least 2 seconds. This results in frequent double-takes. 3. Abruptly switching sides in an argument will always result in a villain’s destruction. (Person A: “Duck season!” Person B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Duck season!” B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Rabbit season!” B: “Duck season!”) English: 1. Snappy comebacks are natural and common. 2. Everything is taken literally. There are no idioms. 3. Only a basic reading level is necessary for survival- important words to know include TNT, DANGER- KEEP OUT, and FREE CARROTS. 4. If you don’t know how to read, you aren’t reading this, and that’s probably why you keep getting blown up/flattened/smashed/exploded. Health: 1. Blinking is noisy. 2. Immortality is universal. Luck is not. 3. You assume the shape of everything you swallow. Technology: 1. Any dynamite, gunpowder, grenade, TNT, gasoline, nitroglycerin, or other combustible material will always eventually explode, ignite, or spontaneously combust. There are no duds. 2. If you find yourself in an enclosed, dark space, you are in (A) a tunnel with a train approaching, (B) a cannon. Exception: if you light a match to see, you are in a dynamite storage room. 3. Homemade catapults are very unreliable. 4. Everything will backfire if you’re the bad guy. Physics: 1. For every action, there is a greater and opposite reaction. Therefore, a cannonball will move three feet and the cannon ends up in Beijing. 2. Any piece of something will automatically act as a whole: a disconnected section of railway track will carry a train, a painting of a road will produce a car, or a Burmese tiger trap will come with a Burmese tiger. 3. The heaviest matter in the universe is that belonging to an anvil. 4. The equation for speed is BG2F= T, where BG represents the bad guy, 2F represents an excessive rate of movement, and T represents toast. 5. Exception to gravity: Occasionally, a piece of a whole that is intended to fall (such as a sawn-off tree branch, a cliff ledge you break off, or a wooden circle you saw out) will hang in midair while the surrounding items (the tree, the cliff, the stage) will drop away. This only applies, however, when the hero is standing on the small section. 6. All rules and/or laws are subject to change without notice. 7. Gravity does not apply until after you realize you are subject to it.



TYLER ASHTON: Praying For Rain

The first drops of rain were a relief; the dry earth lapped them up greedily. Eventually the ground’s thirst became satiated, and the puddles started to grow. When the road washed out we began gathering at the church, not just to pray, but because it was built on a hill. Tyler lives in Denver, where … Continue reading TYLER ASHTON: Praying For Rain →

MAURA YZMORE: Lupus in Fabula

A girl in a red hood skips along the forest path. A wolf beholds, entranced. His mouth waters. He never hears two little pigs sneak up. The pigs drag the unconscious wolf away, discuss rebuilding their flattened homes. They can afford brick now; the girl’s grandma has paid them well. Maura Yzmore is a Midwest-based … Continue reading MAURA YZMORE: Lupus in Fabula →

STORY OF THE WEEK: June 23

The story of the week for June 17 to 21 is… The View After the Climb by Bob Thurber

CANDACE KUBINEC: The Art of Forgetting

My old dog knew how to forget unkind words and raised voices. He always forgave being left behind, didn’t hold a grudge. Instead he’d greet me with a wag and a silly dog smile. After you left us behind, a tender look from his chocolate eyes helped me forget, too. Candace Kubinec posts her stories … Continue reading CANDACE KUBINEC: The Art of Forgetting →

LAURA BESLEY: Her Glorious Face

Every morning, on the 8:04, I look for her face. Sometimes I see individual stars, but never the entire constellation. This is her train. The train that took her face and scattered her stars into the darkness around it. All I want is to see her face one more time. Laura Besley writes short fiction … Continue reading LAURA BESLEY: Her Glorious Face →